As I reach his afro I level
off and plunge in an arc to the other side. I try to steer in the air but
apparently the God’s of this universe are selective in the physical laws they
apply, because I was helplessly falling down. I squeeze my eyes together,
preparing myself for the sharp impact. After a while of waiting blindly, I
tentatively open my eyes to find that my bike is gone and I am floating. I dare
to breathe, afraid that similar to floating upon water, I will sink. Finding
that I go down a bit as I breathe out I quickly bring it in again. Struck with
an idea, I attempt to doggy paddle through the air. It works! I begin to do
breast stroke across the sky. I am almost like a triathlon athlete!
Suddenly a rainbow arrow
shoots me down. There is no pain but a feeling of jubilation. I descend smiling
wide. The ground is not as happy as the air, however, and I feel immediately
frigid and vulnerable. I am immersed in complete darkness. There are no
instructions; there is no map – no nothing. The only plan I have is to try to
move and warm up. As I am doing my jumping jacks I hear the most frightening
roar. Similarly to how cars move out of the way when an ambulance is behind
them, I just narrowly avoid being stampeded by heavy breathing, damp beasts. I
continue to do jumping jacks until the bloody blisters on my feet force me to
stop. My stomach grumbles with the ferocity of an avalanche. I have no idea
what to do. Eyes having adjusted to the darkness, I notice many dead or sick
trees. I break off a sharp piece and sit down concealed by a thorned, but
fleshy bush. I waited for what feels like days. I hear the pounding of dark
creatures and manage to skewer the last of the pack. The beast was warm, and as
disgusted as I am, I skin it and wear it for warmth. All this waiting makes me
realize my insignificance, and also the fears I had buried deep inside. My instincts
and tenacity to survive brings out this beast. The dark gives me an opportunity
to speculate and think a lot. I settle down into a deep sleep.
I don’t know why I keep resetting
it, putting myself through this cheese grader of life. Perhaps I need to be in
smaller more palpable pieces to melt onto the toasted bread. The Panini machine
comes down and anticipating the torture, I wince. The pain does not come.
Instead a giant colorless but radiant fog surrounds, absorbs, and restructures
me.
I
grip my now wisdom-bloated gut and squeeze. I have become real. I don't exist;
I am a living creature, a human, capable of empathy.
Life
is like Tetris, when you get the shape to fill the gap you take it for granted
(unless it is a line) but when you get a piece that doesn't fit anywhere and
you mess up your whole game.
Wrinkles
indicate the forward motion of time but also the slow shattering of the soul.
When will it be too much?
My
heart is full and yearns to share but my spirit is empty and wants to be left
alone. Living with this contradictory body splits me in opposite directions
like a giant rubber band being stretching with two cars venturing to different
ends of the earth.
Life is precious. I shouldn't take for granted
the nourishment I receive and take at will. I get to choose the fate of my own
body. I wish there were dietary supplements for my mind and soul.
I
am an elephant, never forgetting, and always watching. I have Dumbo ears,
observing and preserving. For what purpose do I document the events that
surround me? I am a seam on the tapestry of the world. I help to hold it
together. I bind the strands of time and space, making way for revolutions and
solutions.
I
know what I must do. I must take the knife of reason and gut my existential
crisis. Clean myself like a great trout captured through patience. I must
purify and open myself to the possibility of feeding others. Providing my
experiences and emotions for others to feast. I am no fish. I am a homo sapien
sapien. My ancestors trace back to the origins of the earth. My DNA is the
living record and story of how the Earth changed.
Most
poisons are medicines in small doses. Vaccines are weakened microbes. Reflections
are proof of my physical presence in this world. It may be daunting but I will
soon undertake the struggle of a lifetime. I will dose myself carefully with
specs of my shadow. I will not embrace, but I will also not fight. I must learn
to accept it. Small parts at a time with gratitude and appreciation. I am thankful
to be on this earth. I am thankful for having all the privileges I have been
granted in my life. I am thankful for the natural humanity that I was blessed
with.
Water
is amazing; it is life despite it not being alive. I want to become the living
water. I want to flow in everyone's veins and fall from the sky. I want to
hydrate thirsty children and wash away illness from their wounds.
I’m
still looking for that lost key. The one and only. It’s deep in the pile of
shit in my room. Buried in between some old smelly sock and forgotten journal
I’d imagine. It will be my life's journey to find it. It’s kind of reminiscent
of the "room of requirements" in Harry Potter. The only difference is
that besides the key it only contains that which I have thrown out. There is no
lock.
When
there are obstacles I’ll run right up them into the sky, into that vertical
scape of space, past the stars and into the rest of the unexplored universe. I
will drop by the Milky Way to have a cookie, but cannot stop for long. I am on
a mission to discover and to erase. The world is my cluttered room, but also
the midwife of my dreams. She does not care whether I die or live -- her only
objective is to successfully birth new life. After this innocence is corrupted
there is no reason for her to be there any longer. She witnesses and is
integral to creation, but is not attached. She knows that there will always be
more. More spinning forward.
I take another deep breath. I blow out the warm air from my lungs
creating icicles in the air as I breathe out. I agree; it is wonderful to
create. And that fog that emerges is brief, but satisfying. It goes into the
atmosphere and loses its distinct features. I am grateful. I used to think
these musings were a waste of the universes resources, but I now see that it
makes it more efficient. It desentimentalizes individuality while optimizing
the motivation for each to excel within their own vein. Few people become
whole, but I am determined to appreciate the journey towards this destination.
Relish each taste of progress, and weep over the failures and recessions that
make me stronger.
I wake up and I am in a warm
comfortable bed. I am happy. The rush of serotonin is overwhelming. My body
feels loose and liberated. I no longer felt that tight, cold sensation
throughout my muscles. At this very moment I know that I can do anything I
want. My straight jacket has departed. I toss the covers off my legs as the sun
from outside welcomes me home with a gentle warm graze. I emerge as a new
spirit, not innocent but cleaned from my former life. Through that vision in
the water slide I was able to operate on myself. I was able to remove the
malignant tumor embedded in my essence. Nothing remains of what plagued me.
Part of me is relieved, because it means I am fully free. The other part of me
though, wants a scar so that I can remember that it was a real struggle and not
just a dream.
