Ungrateful

I get a lot of the things that I want: a nice bicycle, a nice camera, a nice computer, nice shoes, nice clothes. Do I use them? Not really. Sure I use my computer everyday, and I wear my clothes...but the computer is used to procrastinate more than anything, and the clothes...I usually wear under a jacket.

Bottom Line
___________
I am spoiled, and ungrateful. *sigh* I really need to get it together. When I get older and my parents aren't doing everything for me, how am I going to survive? Live? Do anything?

I am gradually leaning towards a career that involves professional panhandling.

Desperately Want to be Peter Pan

Remember when we were young, and we wanted to get older quickly? How ironic (and I know, cliche) that now we hope to stay young...stay teenagers. I wish that I didn't have to deal with the world...with time...or with social situations. I'm already 16, going on 17 this year. Where did my youth go? Reality isn't here yet, but that bullet train is coming soon. My grades are shit, SAT, I am average-low, and I have nothing going for me. Music? I'm not any good anymore. Debate? Pul-leeze, the only time I ever did well was in novice. Friends? I love my friends, but we're on different levels...I'm in a different sphere...where am I going to be in ten years? not on the same pay grade, that's for sure.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just live. Why is it that I only exist. I biologically am alive...but mentally where am I? Stuck in my own mind? Living in a fantasy world of perfect characters with perfect traits and perfect lives? It must get annoying for me to harp on and on about my own lack of resolve and reality.

I'm seriously considering 3 majorly different career paths. Medicine is probably a career that I will not love, or possibly succeed at...yet I feel like it may fix my uncertainty about the world...I think in college I would do biological anthropology or something. Second, I could do something boring, like 'attempt' to become a lawyer, probably not terribly successful, but I'm not bad at argumentation. Finally, I could become a chef or baker, which would be great, but there would always be money issues, and scrounging for jobs. *sigh* or I could be a hobo, but I never do well in urine-smelling environments, or the cold.

ciao outside motherfucker

Caramel Syrup

AWESOME. YUM.

It was a process. and i'm on my way. Awuug I just love cooking. Gonna do more on thursday with the sallisberry steak, and with erica on saturday.

here is the liquid gold

Stuff I've cooked Recently

So equipped with my new camera, I took pictures of my latest food masterpieces (pfftt)

Salmon Curry with seared salmon and garlic sauteed spinach
Fresh crab and corn soup. I took the crab out of the shell by hand (painstakingly) used some random recipe online, but didn't have all the shit. Still tasted good! I also "pureed" the canned corn with a knife...took awhile, but worth it.
So with my new camera, I took pictures of my latest foot masterpieces (pfftt)

Unable to Contextualize, Rationalize, or Materialize :(

What does it mean to be human? What does it mean to be a good person?
Is feeling good about yourself the goal of human existence? Hrmmmm.
I am not reaching my goal right now.

I have no idea whats wrong with me. Perhaps there is a chemical imbalance in my brainage...because I can be so happy and so sad simultaneously, or in tandem. Everyone is out doing fun things with their friends, and although I confess to enjoying those pleasures myself, I feel reluctant to leave the confines of my room.

FUCK SCHOOL

I am very upset about school starting on Monday. I would rather eat a cooked rat that was raised to be eaten. :/

If there is a God, or some higher puppet master, something must've happened to change his/her attitude towards me. S/he favored me for over a month, and then dumped a social garbage can over my head. I feel that my reliance on friendships, connections and human interaction is impairing my self-satisfaction.

Alright, so I'm an extremely narcissistic, selfish bitch. I've tried to conform, and kindness just isn't my color. Actually, my face, demeanor and other such outer characteristics of my being, appear to others as a sign that I'm passive, kind, and shy. Aiyah. Is that what I am?

I've been going to bed with an idea for a really great story (or so I think at the time), being too lazy to write it down, and falling asleep. Then I dream about it, casting my friends to parts of the story. At least I'm enjoying my ideas in my dreams. Unfortunately I only remember snippets when I wake up :/

*sigh*

I have no reason to be lonely, but I am. Augh, I wish that I had a mushroom growing on my head. That'd be cool.

-gumster