Too Much Free Time?

I feel like I'm wasting time. Time is money...right? My dad told me today that my greatest resource right now is time. I suppose he's right. I mean, besides all the material resources I have, such as technology and...paper, I don't really have any advantages on a personal level. I was thinking today that I am a really pathetic person. I was obsessed at some point with this weird mysterious weirdo, and well, I'm over it now, but I can't help but analyze the situation in hindsight. Why would I become addicted to such an odd manifestation? Perhaps it's my lack of self-esteem. I have read that people, especially females, are preyed on by people because of their lack of self-confidence. At some point I felt that I was on the top of the world...I had the advantages of intelligence and that of general awesomeness. I wish that feelings like that would remain and the feelings of loneliness and despair didn't catch up to me, bringing me down once again.

ps: later

More than they let on?

I love how some people open up to me. At the same time though, I feel that my image of them is shattered. For most, a new impression that isn't based on superficial appearances and facts, is a good thing, positive. I try and feel that way, but in the end, I like the superficial image better in some cases. I befriend people with certain expectations, as low as that sounds. Hopefully I can redeem myself a bit by saying it's not for their appearance, their position or anything like that...it's more of a narcissistic belief that there is a good chance that they'll be friends with me as long as I try. awh, I suppose I didn't redeem myself after all. The previous statement I suppose is a contradiction, judging based on my demeanor around strangers. I think that I like myself exponentially better when I'm with friends. This is a common feeling, I know, but for me...it boosts me up more so than others (or so i believe). When I'm around people that like me, I feel like I can do anything. It's a nice feeling. When I'm by myself, around people who are different from me...I feel isolated, like a string bean among broccoli...or perhaps a grain of rice among wheat. Despite this somewhat racially divisive analogy...I feel very isolated when not among my own kind. I can smell and taste it.

Oddly, race isn't really a factor (usually). People who act differently, perhaps gangster-like, or stuck-up, make me uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel that maybe I should be like them...is there something wrong with what I am? What category am I in? My emotions are again a contradiction. I want to be with people like myself, so I can act like myself. Does that even make sense? I like people different from me...yet I seek comfort in my own niche. I want to act like an individual...different from others...yet I need to have the warmth of those that are homogeneous to myself.

I want want want. Everything. I know it's true. My mother brought this to light to me. I actually cried a bit because I wanted something so badly. When did I turn in Verucca from Willy Wonka? Have my parents always given me things? How do I unspoil myself. How come others are less fortunate, yet get more things? I am so fortunate, yet I don't have a lot. Does the world make sense? Life is so confusing, and I'm still lonely.

But the past few days I've hung out with many people...constantly. And today I didn't at all. It was a solitary day where I spoke to a friend on the interweb who very slowly answered my inquiries and subject randomness. It wasn't a good day. I feel like it was wasted.

I hate wasted time. I could've done apush or english.

I need to get back to cleaning.

*stares right* *stares left* "there's nothing on either side..." *takes step into street* "rowikjasdmn BEEEP...CRSHSHHHS" fuck

Sometimes I'm lonely for no reason. I suppose that I don't contextualize enough. People have finals, people have lives. I guess I sometimes assume that my friends live on the interweb. But then arises the concern that I am the one who actually lives on here.

*does dance*

I'm still not getting sleep. I fell asleep on the bus today but miraculously woke up just in time to get off at my stop. I fell asleep in all my tests and I think that one of my friends is mad at me for no reason that I can tell. Arg.

The Unexplainable

There are many things that cannot be explained. Humans,in essence are not founded on rational logic. For example, there is no good reason for me to be up at 3:09AM typing a blog post about inexplicable events. I went to take a power nap at 10 o'clock, and I just woke up. Failure? I think so. And the kicker is that I didn't plan to nap too long so I neglected to brush my teeth. Big Mistake my dears. My mouth takes like I ate a dead, uncooked dog...and let it rot in my mouth for several days. Never was able to stand morning breath, especially without a brushing.

My idiocy doesn't end at the fact that I took a siesta (alright, not exactly the most accurate term, but I yearned to use it) before I really finished my homework, but I have a major English essay due on the Scarlet Letter tomorrow that I promised to complete. See the world is like this. You miss English class several times for dress rehearsals for band, and the English teacher, always somewhat a fan of ones writing is distressed. She decides to give you the benefit of the doubt (and I think that it's quite a bit for Mrs. T) and let me finish the essay at home. Unfortunately, Megumi, being the incredibly unreliable schloomp that I am, I did not even touch it until this fateful hour. It is now 3:14AM and I am still writing a nonsensical blog post for no goddamn reason.

Life is a funny thing isn't it. I'm also very excited for my friend because she got into an Ivy League school (Brown, just cuz I think it's so awesome). The only sad aspect of this is that I'm realizing that the seniors wont be here next year, and they're gonna go off into the East Coast or North or South, but the point is that they're going to go away. The seniors last year were my friends, but I am much closer to the ones graduating...it's going to be very sad for me. It's not as if all my friends are of the senior class, some of my compadres who are my adventure wingmen will be gone...and I will be forced to prowl the streets solo, or until I can find other airborne creatures to accompany.

Finally, I'd like to talk about a problem that has surfaced. I have an interesting affection for this small bird. I also have an aversion (magnified tenfold) to eye contact. I didn't think I did before this chance meeting between us two...but after some point it became uncomfortable. I really like this particular fowl, but I feel rather tempted to speed thru this endeavor. Aww me, to be or not to be that is the question.

A penny for your jar of Megumi Penny's:
A ship in harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for. John A. Shedd

hehe, ok that could mean various things...I'll leave you to decide ;)

Lack of Inspiration

This week has been really difficult for me. An odd, figure has manifested itself in front of me and I cannot stop. I am addicted to it and it is possibly the trust of the unknown. It's hard to explain, but basically I need to stop. I just realized that I haven't finished my writing piece on liars for the writers club...I need to finish it sometime today. My brain is pretty dead these lonesome days. There are always people around me that can assist me, yet I can't manage to stretch my arms out to ask for help.

I'm a pretty lonely person I guess, but I hate commitment. I'm just really selfish...I don't give anything in return for comfort and I just think about myself and my own problems. *Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

Sometimes I really hate myself.

unfortunate people

priorities. crap. no. no. no. i'm so stressed out, but nothing i'm doing is helping to abate it.

i think i'm really desperate at this point, and i've realized something about myself. I get worried a lot and insecure about things.

Nrrrreeeeaaaaaaaakabush!

If you didn't catch on from the title. Mayday mayday! It's crashed.
I knew that this would happen.
Drama is something that shan't be tampered with ever again.
emotional turmoil
what have I done?

New Days?

I managed to dispel the strange characters appearing in my title box. Whoohoo.
It's so cold and early it's difficult to think. I don't even know why I'm updating my blog. So yesterday was a good day. I have this overwhelmingly daunting feeling that all this good is going to come back tenfold. All good things come to an end. It's sort of like ecstasy or meth...once you go up, and then you go down, life sucks and isn't the same. I live in fear of the moment where life will start to go downhill.

Why does life have to be so complicated? Am I the one making it that way?

Looking back through my past blog posts from various high school years, I am reminded of the fact that I still have yet to acquire a passion. I find it very attractive and motivational on other people when they are fully committed and passionate about what they are doing. Passion is something that I lack in my life, but then arises another query. Is it absolutely necessary to be passionate? It is obvious that many people in the world don't have a direction or commitment in their life. Are these happy people?

I'm constantly afraid of the shadows that dwell in the shadows in my life [that is a tunnel]. lol that was a bit corny. But either way, I hate surprises because either I'm not prepared for them or because I don't know that its coming. The majority of the time, surprises are negative.

I realize that I talk about myself in this blog a lot. Haha, oh well, fuck you.

=listen=

great wonders of fife

i just keep thinking that there is something missing. besides my general inclinations i wonder whether i can do something else that will be more fulfilling.

is second-guessing a good thing? in my experience it isn't. i can count the number of times it has helped me on one hand.

i think that i'm really perverted. and it grosses me out when i meet people who are so perverted. i need to stop. but my entire being has turned into a suggestive-word-spewing autopilot. that didn't quite make sense.

i think that its funny in literature where people say that they can't imagine someone truly loving them. how corny, but vaguely true for many of us i think. how can one put all their trust onto one person. i like to convince myself that i am trusting, but i probably am not.

therapist = the rapist
demi told me about that and i believe it's funny

meat is murder

tasty tasty murder

looking back, i can't believe i attempted vegetarianism. without that i suppose though, i would never have fallen in love with hamburgers...

for the writers club (i joined a while ago) i feel like it's hard for me to stick on a topic. i listened to a piece a few weeks ago and i said something that she probably didn't appreciate. but i am considering writing a series of short stories about my personal experiences with familial, and social relationships with people. i need to sort myself out because recent drama has engulfed my life and it isn't as i had anticipated. i believe people now when they say that drama is not a welcome manifestation in life.

i really want to rekindle all my relationships, but i'm such a lazy asshole that i doubt even an inch will be accomplished.

i didn't record it on this blog, but i had a 3weekish spat with miranda and during that time, there was much tension. i think we've gone over that hurdle, but i hate effort in maintaining things. hopefully something similar doesn't occur again.

-little badass

the higher you climb the farther you fall

yesterday was a good day. so many interesting things occurred. school went fast, and a few things happened that i assumed would automatically bedazzle my life. wrong.

i suppose blaming myself for my discontent would be the rational action. unfortunately i've never been known as the sage. i thought the day was going well until i realized that it was ordinary and sucked crocodile sacs. i recently started to follow MLIA (my life is average) and those things that happen to people aren't average. i always question the reasons for my inhibitions. there's no real explanation for why i don't just jump on the table and sing koombayah. is it perhaps the lingering hope to be accepted into the high school political arena? or is it the need to be included and not shunned from my peers. surprisingly i think i have abysmally low self-confidence. I once had fun, and it was only when i let myself go for a few hours. after i sorely regretted it, for i had made a fool of myself. not even the cool fool, just the drunk chick (and i wasn't even wasted).

fml for being so lame and generically moaning about common teen angst

लेट'स गेट जिग्ग्य वित-आईटी

I still don't understand why the title turns into some weird asian language whenever I type. Whatever. I feel like whenever I update this blog it's to complain about my lifes status quo. The main problem I face is my lack of moolah. Fuck I need money, I've tried different tactics that online people mention to naught. Fuck them, fuck the world, and fuck capitalism.

BOOBS

Contemporary society convinces us that there is a possibility for one to resolve their inner conflicts by consulting a psychologist. I have personally considered, and actually gone to talk to one. I always think for days on what to say, a way to quantify my own psyche, a method to explain what I think the problem is. These issues are obviously taboo, and awkward to talk to ones parents about. No one wants their parents to know that they are losers and need help. In my mind, I find a distorted sense of endearment towards the image I project.

Unfortunately every time I am able to speak to a psychologist or nurse, I end up spouting the routine nonsense that I have repeated time and time again. Nothing is produced from the sessions, the time could even be compared to sleeping. My subconscious probably has many conversations with itself...about the same issues. When I watch teen angst movies, or tv series' like "The Secret Life of the American Teenager," I feel like my problems are so trivial. How small I feel to be concerned with matters that are ant sized compared to others who have teen pregnancy and abuse. How wrong is it to feel a twinge of jealousy at the eventfulness of their lives. How inconsequential is my yearn for excitement and variety in my life. It is doubly depressing to know that one is clinically depressed because of boredom and lack of drama - furthermore being the issue is so trifling that I needn't spend money on speaking of it.

School

I don't really have time to post a full entry, but this is the lowdown on school. It sucks as much as I expected. I like seeing my friends again, but there isn't too much variation. It's hard to make "new" friends if you already have a bunch of friends in a class. I think that I must be really elitist now, because I am starting to be selective in the people I talk to judging by their superficial look of intelligence or stupidity. I suppose that knowing you have a problem is the first step towards recovery. I will try an talk to more people tomorrow I guess.

My teachers are decent, no one great, but at least no one excruciatingly intolerable. I was able to successfully transfer out of Mr. Shimamotos class. Everyone told me that he was the absolute worst teacher that I could possibly get for Chemistry. I'm starting to think that Domrose isn't the sweetest thing on this earth either, but at least she's nice. The class was quite boring, and what didn't help was my overwhelming need to go to the bathroom. I know quite a few people in the class which is nice (compared to my former chem class.) I really hope that I can learn something, seeing as I am interested in chemistry and I would like to take an AP science next year (perhaps apbio because that's interesting to me. Depending on how chemistry goes, we'll see what happens...)

My English teacher (Thompson) is really strange. I cannot help but look at her gobble gobble double chin. She constantly talks about irrelevant things, granted it's rather interesting. I am however utterly disappointed by Brewers retirement. Her class, although challenging, did teach me the most English that I have ever learned at school. Thankfully she hasn't mentioned using the summer reading, which I haven't finished yet...to my great chagrin.

Math is pretty easy ATM. APUSH seems like a big load but this week we're starting slow. I was supremely proud of myself when I passed the state test for the first time. Unfortunately we also need to start memorizing the president song. I hate memorization. My motto is..."in one ear and out the other"

Leaving you with that penny of wisdom, adieu!

Photography Class

Today I had a photography class. It was a private lesson (along with my brother), and we went to Marin Headlands. I went there last week with the Crissy Field Camp. The area is amazing and I am grateful that I was able to return to take pictures. I learned quite a bit about lighting and the motivation for taking pictures. I really want to buy an SLR (single lens reflex) camera. Tiffany has one and the difference between a classic digital camera and the SLR is amazing. Everything is clear, and the pictures nearly always look beautiful. In the past I couldn't really understand why people enjoyed photographs, or distinguish the difference between a good and bad photo. I still have a lot to learn but I feel like I'm a step closer to better appreciation of this art. Slowly, as I've become older, my experiences help me understand and relate to abstract and various art forms. This is great because since I live in San Francisco there are tons of new opportunities to go to art galleries and museums. For the past 5 years I've been saying "what is there to do here besides go shopping and see movies." Finally I can enjoy the fruits of this city.

Here are a few pictures:

Lanyard things

I am lanyarded out! Yet I am addicted! My forearms are tired and my brain is overheating for no particular reason. Anyways, you know its summer when you get your first sunburn. A downside of trying to tan is that occasionally you get burned :(

I visited this interesting tutoring place in Berkeley, dunno if I'm actually gonna do it though. I think I'm going to go camping and get paid moolah :D, till next time.

0x)

True Meaning of Exhaustion

I have never been so tired in my life. According to my father, this is a good experience for me because it is a permanent feeling I'll have to live with for the remainder of my life. Poop. 7.5 Hours a day, 5 days a week, I am beginning to empathize with these poor schmucks who've been laid off because of our sucky economy. They work so hard yet all their work is dumped into the streets. So I have completed the majority of my CIT thing. I am a CIT for a group of 12 first graders (5-6 years old) with my coworker Jenna. The kids are really cute but they can't even read yet! I went picking fresh fruit with Jenna and today we went hiking at Ocean beach. It was a muddy adventure, but quite enjoyable. We ended pleasantly while drinking a cup of red clam chowder. The summer is almost over :( only a few more weeks- i hope that I can get more done.

ciaos

Result of Studying Biology

I suppose it turned into chemistry on this one. Stupid cramming. At least there's a study guide.

This was a distraction, but at least an incentive:

Individuality

I despise conformity but I embrace society.

Social person I am, leader I am not. Yeah that didn't exactly make sense.

I started reading this book, and it bores me. It makes me scared that I am losing my literacy.

Arrogance

What is it that defines me. What makes me so complicatedly simple.

I don't have a real opinion.

I am too rational. yet too irrational.

I can't choose. I'm so indecisive.

How can I not know right from wrong. Do I have the maturity level of an infant?

Love, Life, and Techno

So recently I have started to like this boy in my class. We have some pretty deep conversations, and he is mildly attractive. I really like his personality, and it sort of hurts how much I think he's awesome. Unfortunately this seems like an unrequited attraction on my part, for I have told him multiple times that I like him and he sort of brushes it off. But it's weird because I get mixed messages from him. He always asks me what kind of guy I like, and he tells me what kind of girls he likes. This topic has come up numerous times- nearly every time we speak to each other. Well, speak per-se, we don't really talk to each other at school about important stuff. Online sometimes we talk a lot. I don't know what to think, and its really bothering me. I'd rather he just stop making advances so I can move on, or some kind of sign.

OK enough of this teen angst. I found this funny song called "My God is Better Than Your God" which amuses me to no end. Unfortunately the band and the music sort of suck, but its the words that count in the long-run. I also found an amusing website with finnish swearwords. Sue me, I'm in high school and have no sense of direction- i find it fun. Just like in 5th grade when I begged my only Chinese speaking friend to teach me how to swear. I constructed a notebook to keep all of the Chinese "bad words" in. Looking back, I suppose its a bit cute. Life has really taken its course hasn't it. I wish that I could go back in time and live as a frolicking and spritely youth without a care in the world. Alas, it doesn't seem that I have found my genie lamp yet.

I found this other site that is genuinely interesting. It's a site full of short stories that you can think about, and smile. http://rocketpack.org/index-writing-stories.shtml I've never been particularly good at short stories, because of all the excess fat I love to put in them (very similar to my lifestyle). I suppose its true- you are what you eat (that didn't really make sense to me either...) But the story called "The Gardener" touched my heart. It just seems like adults are so forlorn and hopefully I won't become like that. You look at the grown-ups in this day and age and all you can do is cross your fingers hoping you won't be a senseless idiot. I still think that I have that subconscious adoration and idolization of adults despite their obvious faults. I can't bring myself to be anymore skeptical about their nature. I am human after all. However a great peeve of mine is when adults who don't have good judgement, telling me what to do. I know that I am right- or at least at the time. Regardless, whenever I write I tend to end up at the same place- the fact that I am a hypocrite. But then everyone ends up here at many points of their lives. How do we just brush by and say se la vie? I wonder if this is my own personal defect.

Techno is my new best friend. I dunno, it seems like it makes me happy. Like a non-drug high. But then again, the definition of drug can be used in many forms. Anyway, I think that since the music is fast it gives my life a good pace. I really want life to go faster because life is so slow. When things go slowly it feels like my existence is corroding into a moldy shell. I know that's a gross image- it was what I was going for. In life there will be pots and pans that bang outside your door while you try to sleep...you just need to move on. Hopefully when I'm famous then that quote will be epic. Yeah right.

Stupidstupid finals. And this Friday is Hermos bday. I ordered this thing for her but now I don't know how she'll react because I remembered that she's very critical and particular. I guess I'll get her something else tomorrow. Sweetest fucking dreams :)

Truly Disastrous,
Littleleafer

Who's Green Now BIOTCH?

I have grown my own food. I have truly evolved. tata

they are deliciously sweet


oh and just an interesting fact i found online: On a daily average you will inhale 1 liter of others anal gasses.

Salvation?

So something weird happened recently. I began to realize that I am not as callous as I had originally thought. There was a twinge of guilt at the killing of animals for scientific research. And a feeling of real fear that this earth may be destroyed in my lifetime. This epiphany is frightening, yet strangely motivating. I feel like I need to do something, something to stop what is happening.

If something bad can be prevented why not try?

In English we are writing an extensive paper on solutions for Global Warming. I have suddenly become aware of reality. I guess I was trapped within the hubris of American culture. Perhaps there is still hope for me.

Anywho, at least life is nicer now. Final are coming up so I am diving in an expensive tutoring program in Palo Alto. My parents chose stanford tutors, but I don't really know how capable they are. Spending so much money and driving an hour both ways doesn't seem worth it. But because of my new [optimistic?] view on life, I might just have some hope.

I am still skeptical of Obama though

May Not Be Your Taste...

So I made a hat, it's a retro pillbox hat and I only used the materials I had, which was black thread and small pants I found.

I wanna make it again in another color because I think its cool, but my mom and brother think it looks weird.

Clothes

So recently I found a website called "polyvore.com" which is basically a site where you can put clothes together into outfits. It's really fun.

Also I found this hat that I LOVE! But it's $52 buckeroo's and I'm not too much of a hat person. I doubt that I will have the balls to fork over that moolah. But here's a pic anyway because it is beautiful.

SpringBreak

There is something odd with the machine that I'm using to type this post. Initially when I was typing in the title, this gibberish translation would appear as soon as I pressed the space bar. Hence the reason my title has no spaces. I digress, this break has been a very relaxing carefree period for me, but alas it has come to a tragic close. The first day of break I went to a highly anticipated curry cookoff, which did not disappoint, however I wasn't as hungry as I had hoped, so it was not as enjoyable as last year. On the second day of break I went to Hanamatsuri service and there was a hanamido, but there was also a basketball tourney across the street where most of the kids were participating in so there weren't very many people there. The spaghetti and Chinese chicken salad however were divine. The following day I called up my friend Juan and she agreed to have lunch with me. We went to this Thai place because she wanted to have noodle soup and I had chicken on a stick (grilled) with peanut sauce. It wasn't the best meal that I've had, but it was not bland.

Ensuite, we went to Rossy Park and to my astonishment, there was a relatively new play structure there. In my ancient memory I remember that I would play at Rossy when I lived close to the park, but there was a big swing- which the park now lacks. We, well more like I, ran through sprinklers and got wet. We also awkwardly encountered a couple of people from school that we don't know too well, but according to teenybopper etiquette, it would be impolite to ignore. Then I went home and went on my computer for the rest of the day. To sum it up, I went on my computer and pretended to be doing homework, but actually watching Friends episodes on Megastic.com I learned a few things from this show: 1. if someone gets stung by a jellyfish, you pee on them to ease the pain. 2. if cats eat lilies they die. 3. I hate Phoebe. 4. All the women on the show have these irritating attitudes. 5. No one likes dinosaurs. 6. adults are stupid.

Also throughout the week I have been playing a lot of basketball. And kicking my bro's ass at knockout whoohoo. My dad signed up for a family YMCA membership at Buchanan so now I have a card to play bball or workout (haha like I would go). While procrastinating in the stairwell of the YMCA I noticed several fliers for kids ages 13-17. For two sessions at USF or something, you can get paid $100. It's a teen smoking study so you can either smoke or not smoke. I hope I can participate in this study- I mean not only am I contributing to the research of people trying to understand why teens smoke, but I'm getting paid for it. Oh and I get to get hooked up to a brain machine! How cool is that? mwhahahaha

On Saturday I volunteered with Fred at the Adopt An Alleyway Workathon. This was a rather fun experience for me. I have never really painted stuff- like painting one color wallish type painting. I was assigned to the Forensic group which consisted of Fred, Freds two friends, Suse, Anne, supervisor man, leader girl, and I. We got to paint over graffiti in a couple alleyways. I must admit though, that it puts quite a bit of stress on the hands.

Coincidentally, I ran into an old friend of mine. Her grandfather owns the fortune cookie shop in Ross alleyway- one of the alleys that we were assigned to paint. It is interesting to note that her father- who I've met perhaps three times in fifth grade, remembered me. So did her grandma who I haven't seen for ages (and only like once). They yelled out, "Megumi, come here! You want fortune cookie?" Then my friend Victor said she would be working in the factory all day, so I said that I might drop by later. Unfortunately I was so tired at the end of the Workathon that I forgot. I think that I mentioned this friend in my first blog post about how she called me and nonsensically conversed with me. Showing that we don't have that much of a close relationship to each other.

After the Workathon, I went to Laurel Village to get a latte from Peets. I actually had to go bathroom, but I felt guilty that I didn't buy anything, so I got the latte... My pops picked me up and we went home and I went on the computer and discovered something called Facebook bowling. This game is a wonderful thing. It's so fun and effortless. It takes approximately a minute to play one game, and the music is so motivational and intense.

After a while my dad took us to play basketball. There was a lot of wind so it was harder to play. Then my bro kicked my ass at one-on-one the brat. Then we briefly visited the Cherry blossom festival to get some beef sticks. I saw my Berkley friends in the car but then I had to leave because of a previous engagement.

Since my dad and bros bday is on Monday, we celebrated on Saturday. We went to Grand Palace in South City (it's one of our favorites) with my uncle and aunt and some family friends. The food was good, but this time the lobster was rather small. One of my bros guest is my dads underling who recently had a baby. The baby was really cute. His eyes and eyelashes were so long and big. And he was so chubby! His cheek is so soft and jelloey! Anyway the cake was mango mousse and it was really good.

My bro received a hundred bucks, guitar lessons, and a HD video camera.

Today I went to church late and I went to the CB festival and got more beef sticks from Nihonmachi Little Friends booth. (Yesterday they didn't have onigiri so I went today to get 'em)

My dad met his old high school buddy on Facebook and went to meet her at her CB booth. And now he's back. Okay that's all for now folks.

ciaomein

Show Off

My blog is sometimes just a museum for the food that I make

graaaaah

Wow. I am so elated yet so enraged at the same time. I went to school after a long absence because of an unrelenting sinus infection or strep throat whatever it is. I am so screwed. I don't know why I do badly in the easy classes. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Well anyway, I successfully got into the two AP classes that I applied to. I am genuinely surprised that DLR agreed to recommend me for AP stats, because of my poor grades and blah. Well anyway, I guess my midnight essay moved them scienficial hearts ;). I wrote it at 2am after going to bed at 11pm and then having a dream about it. I wrote it quickly and went to bed- I barely remember writing it but coolio. APUSH was a given, because of my teachers obvious favoritism towards me. I look forward to learning the history of this nation that I have grown to nearly despise. That may have sounded sardonic, however I am fairly anticipating the class. I hope that I won't drown from the work... because I can barely tread. Was I the only one who chuckled at this analogy?

So I think that recently I have gone on facebook way too much. This is obviously an indication that I have focus issues. Anyway, I was playing this game called word challenge (it's a fb app). The objective of the game is to make as many words as you possibly can out of the given (7?) letters. It's quite amusing, buuut my friend is really good at this. Now not to be an "elitist" (wink) but my friend has never displaced an aptitude for the english language... which leads me to wonder what the hell I'm doing wrong in this game.

I suggest you try play.

oh also I really like indian music dawgy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrMrDwUghXU

haha, point of insanity

there is always that tipping point. once you go forward there is no return. don't look back into that terrifying abyss. how did we arrive to hopes garden. will we ever reach the place of contentment. our lives wasted in the pursuit of arrogant satisfaction. why do we knowingly chase after the unattainable forbidden fruit. the select few that get the taste. why can't we be in their place? jealousy consumes our daily lives and yet we still follow the fateful road that leads to the pseudo light.

sigh

Idiocracy or idiosyncrasy?

So there is this whole controversy that went down this weekend, but I'm too exhausted to relate it yet again.

Put simply, adults are like toddlers - namely Mrs. Lovrin and Mrs. Andrejeff. The old bitches. Oh life is great. We still won 3rd for the poster. Lalalalala. This would be the appropriate time to say that we are vindicated!

This is a funny picture from the Spera con:

Second piece of awesomeness

I am almost finished sewing this shirt. It is cool! I dismembered two man shirts completely into fabric (cuz its cheap!) and I cut out shapes and sewed em up. I am still a novice and its just so fulfilling when you can make something you can wear!





sweetness. other than this my day sucked.

Those Untrue Cliche's

"the one i am afraid of disappointing the most- is myself" pull-ease. obviously thats not true. everyone does everything for everyone. you do something so that you appear a certain way, or feel good a certain way, so that people around you can appreciate it.

i am very disappointed. i failed. i thought that making curry would be easy- how wrong was i! In the end, my parents needed to assist me in fixing the mistakes. fortunately i was able to save the curry, and in the end it tasted good. however i do not enjoy help.

also i saw the movie, "the watchmen" and my parents forced me to leave early because they were so "disgusted" by the nudity and senseless violence. i do not like to end things short if i can help it. that is why i got extremely upset, i mean, i wanted to see the fricken end of the damn movie!

then i just got back from this thai place on Clement and I had dessert- soooo good. anyway we also went to Safeway and I took like God knows how long, trying to find this "marzipan" icecream flavor, which in the end i never found damnet! I tried it the other day with a couple of friends and it was Heavenly. I also saw this hot guy who reminded me of this other asian hot guy. haha, completely pointless info.

happy days.

oh shit gotta do so much worrrk!

Really want to be a Heretic

Today Wikipedia featured an article on Vithoba. It's quite interesting actually. He is a Hindu god. The legends are intriguing but at the same time extremely confusing because I have no background and 1/2 of most of the sentences refer to religious texts and deities.

I feel like everything that I have been doing has amounted to nothing. I wanted to do so many things, but my constant lack of commitment has lead many to believe me a flake. I believe I've mentioned this before, but I know that I'm flaky. I know that I am not reliable-- yet at the same time I wish for everyone to trust me. I don't know how my life will play out, but I need to discard these irrational egocentric feelings.

I want to learn. I want to know-- but to what extent?

poot

There is something wrong with my teeth and its making me feel like barfing and coughing.

Isn't that weird?

where the fuck are we going

I have no clue where the squishy I am going in life. I worry a lot. Worry = donut stress. There is so much fuckin urban pressure. Every phlegmatic day I am surrounded by obtuse, parochial pricks. Why does everything have to be fucking peanut butter? I mean I guess these waffles finally understand with their experience that there are tons of kids who have wicked potential and the potential is never reached. So much fucking expectation and praise is given that when these kids have a reality check, it was all fucking marshmallow.

I really don't understand why I have to live like this.

btw the reason that this post was all funky was cuz i am trying to add new words to my vocab - i made a list of new things: excellent
lovely
rad
dope
radical
gnarly
wicked
fly
dank
neat
chronic
word up
truth
urban
peace
happy
rebel
marshmallow
squishy
mellow
peanut butter
obtuse
abstract
phlegmatic
waffle
jif

Just a recap of the girl who failed at life

i made cream scones and they are so GOOD




hmmm

FUnny

My mood is affected a lot by music. I listen to a sad song, I feel sad and contemplative. I listen to a faster, happier song, I feel happy and hyper. It's weird how my mind can be so heavily influenced by sound.

Anyway today I co-MCed for the Day of Remembrance (DOR), Kevin and I read the candle-lighters bio's and stuff. I was so nervous that my legs shook. That was a first time experience for me. In the past I have performed in front of thousands of people, however it was with other people. Today I was speaker by myself to 500+ people. I must have sounded very nervous. I think that most people who told me I did a good job were just being polite. My friends didn't even mention it at all. *sighs* To think that I do public speaking. I suppose that speech and debate isn't really public speaking because there isn't anyone really there besides the judge and your opponent or something. I can recall in my youth that I didn't give a damn what people thought. I hate growing up, I wish I didn't mind what the audience thought, or whether I would mess up.

I think that I am always surrounded by intelligent individuals wherever I go. My friends get good grades, not that it accurately determines ones intelligence, but still. Because I participate in many community events I tend to meet many junior/senior and college students who tell me about their lives and inadvertently, their academic accomplishments. Naturally the conversation turns to me and they ask, "so megumi, have you thought about college yet?" and I say all the time - but really, I have many doubts about how far my faux determination will take me.

I Guess it's okay

So followup on the last frantic post - it wasn't erased so I was like "whoo."

I had a debate tourney today. i sucked.

but i ate this incredible bacon burger - totally made up for everything.

just now i managed to make madeleines. i was spacing and put too much flour but they taste yummy:


okay something seriously trippy is goin on. when i post this why the fuck can't i see my normal blog?

SHitshitshitshit

I just erased historical footage from an unbacked up interview. fuckfuckfuck. my dads never going to let me take on serious projects anymore. Oh my god. what am i going to do. i am so fucked. i imported the stupid footage but it didn't appear. what the FUCK happened. SHIT

Regret is Unhealthy

I think that I feel remorse for a significant portion of my life. Whenever I watch movies, someone asks their mother or something, "do you regret anything that you've done in your life?" The mother always says that she doesn't regret any of it. How would I respond? Why are there so many things that hold me back from fulfilling myself. I want to be able to do things and later just feel like it was a good learning experience. Unfortunately, I think that I am an extremely bitter human. My distraction has become a routine that my brain patterns have adapted to. To break this psychological habit will be difficult. I don't know why I put myself in these sort of straits.

When sitting on a Muni bus, I always create an action plan for accomplishing my daily objectives. Nothing ever gets done.
"When all is said and done, more is said, than done," is a quote that I've used as an extemper when referring to Zimbabwe's power sharing deal. However in my case I feel that it is relevant as well, for I always say that I want to do something, but eventually nothing gets started and therefore never finished. Even now I complain about my lack of decisiveness...je crois que je suis une vraie girouette...yet I am still here, blogging - procrastinating. I recall creating a blog for resolutions, although I haven't touched it for a while, I can probably guarantee that not one of those goals have been reached.

All is said and done
and more is said
than done

Tired

I don't know why I get so distracted all the time. My brain feels really heavy.

I have no idea what to do.

i wish i was philanthropist-like

today was a completely wonderful waste of time.

happy president day.

whoohoo

the highlight of my day was shooting freethrows in the rain. like as soon as i got to the quart it started raining. it felt really intense and motivational. i shot for about 25 minutes tops. but it was wonderful. i made quite of few shots and missed some too. i just feel like i should have stayed out there longer.

kinship relations. lol.

the gansta word:buh or blood wtf

lalala. today was boring. i went on comp all day. the highlight was that i got to see this cool movie "the international" pretty sweet flick. recommend recommend recommend. definitely no comparison to slumdog, but it was pretty intense. at the edge of my seat the whole time - literally. and by golly my left ankle fell asleep. i thought that i would just fall down those blasted stairs. besides the point. christina, since you are all "fuck capitalism," this would be a good movie for you to watch. aaah life is nice.

lalala.

yesterday i went to the anime on display convention (aod con). a bit pissed that i had to wait 2 hours. i called random people and i guess they felt pretty awkward. patty even said he had to go and hung up. happy days indeed. i talked to typhoon for a while, but 20 minutes later she tells me that my voice is all static-y and heard not a word i had said since the beginning. it really makes me feel conceited. grr. i called all these other people too, either they were ignoring my call or they were busy. i started to call harry but then i realized that she was probably at the AAA cleanup. i called tong but they were in a pet store.

oh i almost forgot. yesterday morning i also went to typhoons house for the world affairs challenge. i started writing the skit for our presentation at the contest. idk how good it is at the moment though. I need to work out the logistics etc.

i made cookies and they're kinda weird i guess. i think i fucked up my teeth, they hurt a lot. gaah i've never had a cavity and now THIS. my life shall end. oh why am i so high maintenance.

oh and btw happy chocolate&sex day (i decided to rename vday this cuz in essence that is what it is) toodles and happy presidents day,

Fo Sho

I got an A in bio somehow. It's weird, cuz I don't recall doing anything since we started this semester. But I am HAPPY.

anyway, i fucked up the quiz. I just realized this a few hours ago, I remembered the circle opposite. SHIT like yeah.

aghos;ikljnmawdmn,sasd

have a good day

LA crepe

I was sick today. My brain is hurting. I suspect I injured the back part of brain when I went to sleep and banged my head on the top of the bedstand. It hurt like a mother fucker. That was last week though. But I've been coughing and my right temple throbs and there's a lot of pressure there. Damn. It hurts unless I take drugs. Grrr.

Besides that, I was suppose to make 21 crepes for French class. It took me a very long time:
I burned a few of them though :(

I went to debate practice because if I didn't then Alicia and I would be dropped from the invitational on the 28th. It was pretty pointless. I remember why having a partner stressed me out. ahhh c'est la vie.

Furkheimer my brain hurts like a bitch. Laalalalala

saddened

I go to school and feel like a fucking piece of shit and then I leave school feeling really good. It's better than nothing - but I'd prefer that I feel good all day...

I think that recently I've been getting very irritable. I hope that I don't show it visibly to other people. the pettiest things put me on edge.

curse adolescence

biscotti making

So today was pretty fun I think, albeit a bit of uncomfortableness this morning. I woke up "early" in terms of waking up in the morning on a Saturday, however I had a cup of coffee and was up and ready for the road. So when I woke up (feeling like I had an immense hangover...) I got dressed and brushed my teeth and then went back to bed. Why, you wonder why I would do such a thing. Well, I was being picked up to go to this event and they were not there yet (traditionally they are a family that is consistently tardy - just like mine). Hence, I went back to sleep for a good 15 minutes. ANYWAY, back to the topic at hand. My church group, the Jr. YBA made biscotti today as a fundraiser for the group. We met a Jamaican woman and went to college on our way to the Oakland temple (meh inside joke). When we got there we chilled for a while, 'cuz we juss cool like dat. Nah, we are just cutters by profession.


To understand this better, we need to go back about 12 hours. We were in the same place...cooking chocolate biscotti. See today we were making orange. I digress, we cut...a LOT of biscotti. Actually... ALL the biscotti was cut by my friends and I. We're talking HUNDREDS. Yeah, so you get the picture. We need to wait until the first few batches are done before we begin the slaughter.

It was sort of awkward cuz I was tired and not tired intermittently. Haha. I would get very very exhausted all of the sudden and sleep for five minutes, and hyper all of the sudden in bursts. Caffeine fucks you up that way. So at the end (aprox 3pm) we were chillin' like villains. It was someone's bday so we ate cake and ice cream (coincidently it is Matens bday today also and I owe him an aloe drink, aha this is totally irrelevant.) So then we went to CT which is around the corner from the temple, and I got a tapioca/boba drink that was totally a rip off. Whoever said that Chinese drinks are bargains...THINK AGAIN. I got lychee milk tea, and what I GOT was chai tea with bits of old/dried up lychee in it. The drink was nearly 4 dollars. RIP OFF. I think that whoever reads this should boycott this chain. It's called "Sweetheart Cafe". I am such a hypocrite cuz the Sweetheart Cafe in SF CT is really good. I guess everything about SF is better than Oakland. WORD MOTHAFUCKA.

okay so i also posted a pic of the biscotti. the orange ones were on-hand so *shrugs* they taste better too.

Oh and before I forgot to mention, but I also saw this INCREDIBLY AWESOME movie called "Slumdog Millionaire" with Nemo and yeah. I suggest the movie to anyone. The genre isn't normally my thing, but DAMN. It was the greatest movie - I say that it deserves that fuckin' Oscar way more than Benjamin Button. However I must confess that ehm, Brad Pitt is quite attractive in that movie (in the middle lol).
The thing is that Slumdog totally overwrote my superficiality.

But seriously, I REALLY REALLY suggest it. Hmm I would put it in my other blog as a MUST SEE movie, but I'm too lazy.

pe@ce out

Bored

I really need to get a life. But then again, life is pretty boriing to me! Not like I'm saying death would be more interesting ;) not getting suicidal here. I feel sorta annoying. I probably talk to people on facebook and aim too much. Like its cool when you talk once a week to a person, but long convo's for long periods of time tend to be a bit weird. I mean I had the this convo with this dude last night until like the morning, and i guess we shouldn't talk too much. We might get bored. Just like how when I see my friend not from my school, we talk hella and then when we have a sleepover thing we get bored by the time we get back. LOL I guess I'm not that interesting of a person to chill wit. Awgihaneklwjdnsfkjs. I really really need to find a way to release stress.

I've gotten so accustomed to NOT doing homework, that I tried to write this report and DAMN I only got half of it done. I'm abhorred by my own lack of motivation to get this shit done. I need to write a speech too and revise an essay for fuckin winery.

Life is so...unpleasantly pleasantly unpleasant. Please kill me with a machete for that..

"Well you done done me and you know I felt it, I tried to be chill but you so hot dat I melted, I fell right through the cracks...and i'm tryin get baack." luuurve it. Man I'm such a hypocrite. lalalalala

chuggachugga choochoo

life is pumpin with blood and oxygen

fuck

Sweatshirt

I made a sweatshirt. but its too small. but its still awesome.

heres the back...

Megumi est tres fatigue!

life falls apart eventually

i had no idea it would happen so soon

what is love

what is life

i feel so superficial in all means

why is it that i need to feel this way

i wonder if it has something to do with my gene configuration

yes...blame it on my genetic structure, and not on my own lack of balls

edit: wow just kidding

Tragedy

I really feel like I'm wasting my life. But then I logically point out to myself that I don't really have anything else worth doing either. However I do feel that I need to find something. Despite my continuous preaching to find a passion, I truly want to do something that I feel is going to have a positive outcome in the end. I have accepted the fact that I am a wannabe, but perhaps eventually, my "want-to-be" prattle will turn out to be something. The small child who said that she wanted to be a doctor one day may really one day become a doctor. There are people who are either born or come into a certain place in life, such as rich people or I dunno, plumbers. One cannot choose who they are born from - but it is possible for one to achieve a higher place in life than that person born to status. And a plumber who inherits the fathers business doesn't want to be a plumber, but it just ends up that way. In the end, the only people who aren't wannabe's are people born into their position, and don't strive to change their fates. This post doesn't really make sense, because I was trying to justify my babble.

ciao mein

Cello

I really want to go on a long journey... across the world. I need to experience life. I wish that I could go back in time, where I could be a lonely traveler, making my way through trials and tests... never compromising my beliefs. Only moving for the sake of exploration and knowledge.

Will - gretchen yanover

the greatest inspiration yet

AWESOMENESS

I'm so excited! My desktop Macintosh just arrived, and it is a great moment for humankind - haha, although that may sound materialistic...it's AWESOMEEEE! I'm so happy! The screen is enormous, and all these good programs have been predownloaded for me.

Anyway, my day was a bit disappointing (except for this) because I went to Congress and I didn't win (albeit expectedly). I didn't really write any points down and I got an hour of sleep last night...HOWEVER! There is always the possibility of winning, but that didn't happen for me. Megumi is always so frickin unlucky...never winning in bingo...raffles or anything! Moving on. I really feel like a bad person because I base so many things on my own pet peeves and irritations. Pour example, today in Congress, there was this girl who talked funny and she was weird, so I didn't like her, probably because combined with her speech impairment, she acted condescending when she had no idea what she was talking about. i hate people who are all confident and stuff but are saying the wrong things. grrr

I slept as soon as I got home...until about 1am. (I got back at 4pm) Now that I think about it..that's 9hours!

-Littleleafer

and just because it's awesome...I'll post a picture of myself all happy from the camera on the computer!

Vacation

I went to San Jose for a couple nights. I ate a lot of good food, and I went swimming. It was pretty good. I love the TV, I watched many episodes of Law & Order and "What Not to Wear" on TLC. So, on this trip I realized that I was merely one body in corporate, distraught, disfigured America. I thought it was funny to see ugly people get makeovers and watch them being slaughtered by the show hosts. They didn't even look that much better in the end. Why does the American psyche enjoy these human degrading shows? I also watched on TLC, a show about morbidly obese people, it was nasty...but I laughed.

A moment of silence to brood over my stupidity.

I love scifi. Stargate Atlantis is my new salvation. I used to like the TV show Weeds, but then in the third season or something, they showed naked people - it was nasty so I stopped.

ciaomein

little