Wednesday, December 23, 2009

More than they let on?

I love how some people open up to me. At the same time though, I feel that my image of them is shattered. For most, a new impression that isn't based on superficial appearances and facts, is a good thing, positive. I try and feel that way, but in the end, I like the superficial image better in some cases. I befriend people with certain expectations, as low as that sounds. Hopefully I can redeem myself a bit by saying it's not for their appearance, their position or anything like's more of a narcissistic belief that there is a good chance that they'll be friends with me as long as I try. awh, I suppose I didn't redeem myself after all. The previous statement I suppose is a contradiction, judging based on my demeanor around strangers. I think that I like myself exponentially better when I'm with friends. This is a common feeling, I know, but for boosts me up more so than others (or so i believe). When I'm around people that like me, I feel like I can do anything. It's a nice feeling. When I'm by myself, around people who are different from me...I feel isolated, like a string bean among broccoli...or perhaps a grain of rice among wheat. Despite this somewhat racially divisive analogy...I feel very isolated when not among my own kind. I can smell and taste it.

Oddly, race isn't really a factor (usually). People who act differently, perhaps gangster-like, or stuck-up, make me uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel that maybe I should be like there something wrong with what I am? What category am I in? My emotions are again a contradiction. I want to be with people like myself, so I can act like myself. Does that even make sense? I like people different from me...yet I seek comfort in my own niche. I want to act like an individual...different from others...yet I need to have the warmth of those that are homogeneous to myself.

I want want want. Everything. I know it's true. My mother brought this to light to me. I actually cried a bit because I wanted something so badly. When did I turn in Verucca from Willy Wonka? Have my parents always given me things? How do I unspoil myself. How come others are less fortunate, yet get more things? I am so fortunate, yet I don't have a lot. Does the world make sense? Life is so confusing, and I'm still lonely.

But the past few days I've hung out with many people...constantly. And today I didn't at all. It was a solitary day where I spoke to a friend on the interweb who very slowly answered my inquiries and subject randomness. It wasn't a good day. I feel like it was wasted.

I hate wasted time. I could've done apush or english.

I need to get back to cleaning.

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