Too Much Free Time?

I feel like I'm wasting time. Time is money...right? My dad told me today that my greatest resource right now is time. I suppose he's right. I mean, besides all the material resources I have, such as technology and...paper, I don't really have any advantages on a personal level. I was thinking today that I am a really pathetic person. I was obsessed at some point with this weird mysterious weirdo, and well, I'm over it now, but I can't help but analyze the situation in hindsight. Why would I become addicted to such an odd manifestation? Perhaps it's my lack of self-esteem. I have read that people, especially females, are preyed on by people because of their lack of self-confidence. At some point I felt that I was on the top of the world...I had the advantages of intelligence and that of general awesomeness. I wish that feelings like that would remain and the feelings of loneliness and despair didn't catch up to me, bringing me down once again.

ps: later

More than they let on?

I love how some people open up to me. At the same time though, I feel that my image of them is shattered. For most, a new impression that isn't based on superficial appearances and facts, is a good thing, positive. I try and feel that way, but in the end, I like the superficial image better in some cases. I befriend people with certain expectations, as low as that sounds. Hopefully I can redeem myself a bit by saying it's not for their appearance, their position or anything like that...it's more of a narcissistic belief that there is a good chance that they'll be friends with me as long as I try. awh, I suppose I didn't redeem myself after all. The previous statement I suppose is a contradiction, judging based on my demeanor around strangers. I think that I like myself exponentially better when I'm with friends. This is a common feeling, I know, but for me...it boosts me up more so than others (or so i believe). When I'm around people that like me, I feel like I can do anything. It's a nice feeling. When I'm by myself, around people who are different from me...I feel isolated, like a string bean among broccoli...or perhaps a grain of rice among wheat. Despite this somewhat racially divisive analogy...I feel very isolated when not among my own kind. I can smell and taste it.

Oddly, race isn't really a factor (usually). People who act differently, perhaps gangster-like, or stuck-up, make me uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel that maybe I should be like them...is there something wrong with what I am? What category am I in? My emotions are again a contradiction. I want to be with people like myself, so I can act like myself. Does that even make sense? I like people different from me...yet I seek comfort in my own niche. I want to act like an individual...different from others...yet I need to have the warmth of those that are homogeneous to myself.

I want want want. Everything. I know it's true. My mother brought this to light to me. I actually cried a bit because I wanted something so badly. When did I turn in Verucca from Willy Wonka? Have my parents always given me things? How do I unspoil myself. How come others are less fortunate, yet get more things? I am so fortunate, yet I don't have a lot. Does the world make sense? Life is so confusing, and I'm still lonely.

But the past few days I've hung out with many people...constantly. And today I didn't at all. It was a solitary day where I spoke to a friend on the interweb who very slowly answered my inquiries and subject randomness. It wasn't a good day. I feel like it was wasted.

I hate wasted time. I could've done apush or english.

I need to get back to cleaning.

*stares right* *stares left* "there's nothing on either side..." *takes step into street* "rowikjasdmn BEEEP...CRSHSHHHS" fuck

Sometimes I'm lonely for no reason. I suppose that I don't contextualize enough. People have finals, people have lives. I guess I sometimes assume that my friends live on the interweb. But then arises the concern that I am the one who actually lives on here.

*does dance*

I'm still not getting sleep. I fell asleep on the bus today but miraculously woke up just in time to get off at my stop. I fell asleep in all my tests and I think that one of my friends is mad at me for no reason that I can tell. Arg.

The Unexplainable

There are many things that cannot be explained. Humans,in essence are not founded on rational logic. For example, there is no good reason for me to be up at 3:09AM typing a blog post about inexplicable events. I went to take a power nap at 10 o'clock, and I just woke up. Failure? I think so. And the kicker is that I didn't plan to nap too long so I neglected to brush my teeth. Big Mistake my dears. My mouth takes like I ate a dead, uncooked dog...and let it rot in my mouth for several days. Never was able to stand morning breath, especially without a brushing.

My idiocy doesn't end at the fact that I took a siesta (alright, not exactly the most accurate term, but I yearned to use it) before I really finished my homework, but I have a major English essay due on the Scarlet Letter tomorrow that I promised to complete. See the world is like this. You miss English class several times for dress rehearsals for band, and the English teacher, always somewhat a fan of ones writing is distressed. She decides to give you the benefit of the doubt (and I think that it's quite a bit for Mrs. T) and let me finish the essay at home. Unfortunately, Megumi, being the incredibly unreliable schloomp that I am, I did not even touch it until this fateful hour. It is now 3:14AM and I am still writing a nonsensical blog post for no goddamn reason.

Life is a funny thing isn't it. I'm also very excited for my friend because she got into an Ivy League school (Brown, just cuz I think it's so awesome). The only sad aspect of this is that I'm realizing that the seniors wont be here next year, and they're gonna go off into the East Coast or North or South, but the point is that they're going to go away. The seniors last year were my friends, but I am much closer to the ones graduating...it's going to be very sad for me. It's not as if all my friends are of the senior class, some of my compadres who are my adventure wingmen will be gone...and I will be forced to prowl the streets solo, or until I can find other airborne creatures to accompany.

Finally, I'd like to talk about a problem that has surfaced. I have an interesting affection for this small bird. I also have an aversion (magnified tenfold) to eye contact. I didn't think I did before this chance meeting between us two...but after some point it became uncomfortable. I really like this particular fowl, but I feel rather tempted to speed thru this endeavor. Aww me, to be or not to be that is the question.

A penny for your jar of Megumi Penny's:
A ship in harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for. John A. Shedd

hehe, ok that could mean various things...I'll leave you to decide ;)

Lack of Inspiration

This week has been really difficult for me. An odd, figure has manifested itself in front of me and I cannot stop. I am addicted to it and it is possibly the trust of the unknown. It's hard to explain, but basically I need to stop. I just realized that I haven't finished my writing piece on liars for the writers club...I need to finish it sometime today. My brain is pretty dead these lonesome days. There are always people around me that can assist me, yet I can't manage to stretch my arms out to ask for help.

I'm a pretty lonely person I guess, but I hate commitment. I'm just really selfish...I don't give anything in return for comfort and I just think about myself and my own problems. *Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

Sometimes I really hate myself.

unfortunate people

priorities. crap. no. no. no. i'm so stressed out, but nothing i'm doing is helping to abate it.

i think i'm really desperate at this point, and i've realized something about myself. I get worried a lot and insecure about things.

Nrrrreeeeaaaaaaaakabush!

If you didn't catch on from the title. Mayday mayday! It's crashed.
I knew that this would happen.
Drama is something that shan't be tampered with ever again.
emotional turmoil
what have I done?

New Days?

I managed to dispel the strange characters appearing in my title box. Whoohoo.
It's so cold and early it's difficult to think. I don't even know why I'm updating my blog. So yesterday was a good day. I have this overwhelmingly daunting feeling that all this good is going to come back tenfold. All good things come to an end. It's sort of like ecstasy or meth...once you go up, and then you go down, life sucks and isn't the same. I live in fear of the moment where life will start to go downhill.

Why does life have to be so complicated? Am I the one making it that way?

Looking back through my past blog posts from various high school years, I am reminded of the fact that I still have yet to acquire a passion. I find it very attractive and motivational on other people when they are fully committed and passionate about what they are doing. Passion is something that I lack in my life, but then arises another query. Is it absolutely necessary to be passionate? It is obvious that many people in the world don't have a direction or commitment in their life. Are these happy people?

I'm constantly afraid of the shadows that dwell in the shadows in my life [that is a tunnel]. lol that was a bit corny. But either way, I hate surprises because either I'm not prepared for them or because I don't know that its coming. The majority of the time, surprises are negative.

I realize that I talk about myself in this blog a lot. Haha, oh well, fuck you.

=listen=

great wonders of fife

i just keep thinking that there is something missing. besides my general inclinations i wonder whether i can do something else that will be more fulfilling.

is second-guessing a good thing? in my experience it isn't. i can count the number of times it has helped me on one hand.

i think that i'm really perverted. and it grosses me out when i meet people who are so perverted. i need to stop. but my entire being has turned into a suggestive-word-spewing autopilot. that didn't quite make sense.

i think that its funny in literature where people say that they can't imagine someone truly loving them. how corny, but vaguely true for many of us i think. how can one put all their trust onto one person. i like to convince myself that i am trusting, but i probably am not.

therapist = the rapist
demi told me about that and i believe it's funny

meat is murder

tasty tasty murder

looking back, i can't believe i attempted vegetarianism. without that i suppose though, i would never have fallen in love with hamburgers...

for the writers club (i joined a while ago) i feel like it's hard for me to stick on a topic. i listened to a piece a few weeks ago and i said something that she probably didn't appreciate. but i am considering writing a series of short stories about my personal experiences with familial, and social relationships with people. i need to sort myself out because recent drama has engulfed my life and it isn't as i had anticipated. i believe people now when they say that drama is not a welcome manifestation in life.

i really want to rekindle all my relationships, but i'm such a lazy asshole that i doubt even an inch will be accomplished.

i didn't record it on this blog, but i had a 3weekish spat with miranda and during that time, there was much tension. i think we've gone over that hurdle, but i hate effort in maintaining things. hopefully something similar doesn't occur again.

-little badass

the higher you climb the farther you fall

yesterday was a good day. so many interesting things occurred. school went fast, and a few things happened that i assumed would automatically bedazzle my life. wrong.

i suppose blaming myself for my discontent would be the rational action. unfortunately i've never been known as the sage. i thought the day was going well until i realized that it was ordinary and sucked crocodile sacs. i recently started to follow MLIA (my life is average) and those things that happen to people aren't average. i always question the reasons for my inhibitions. there's no real explanation for why i don't just jump on the table and sing koombayah. is it perhaps the lingering hope to be accepted into the high school political arena? or is it the need to be included and not shunned from my peers. surprisingly i think i have abysmally low self-confidence. I once had fun, and it was only when i let myself go for a few hours. after i sorely regretted it, for i had made a fool of myself. not even the cool fool, just the drunk chick (and i wasn't even wasted).

fml for being so lame and generically moaning about common teen angst

लेट'स गेट जिग्ग्य वित-आईटी

I still don't understand why the title turns into some weird asian language whenever I type. Whatever. I feel like whenever I update this blog it's to complain about my lifes status quo. The main problem I face is my lack of moolah. Fuck I need money, I've tried different tactics that online people mention to naught. Fuck them, fuck the world, and fuck capitalism.