Thursday, May 21, 2009

Love, Life, and Techno

So recently I have started to like this boy in my class. We have some pretty deep conversations, and he is mildly attractive. I really like his personality, and it sort of hurts how much I think he's awesome. Unfortunately this seems like an unrequited attraction on my part, for I have told him multiple times that I like him and he sort of brushes it off. But it's weird because I get mixed messages from him. He always asks me what kind of guy I like, and he tells me what kind of girls he likes. This topic has come up numerous times- nearly every time we speak to each other. Well, speak per-se, we don't really talk to each other at school about important stuff. Online sometimes we talk a lot. I don't know what to think, and its really bothering me. I'd rather he just stop making advances so I can move on, or some kind of sign.

OK enough of this teen angst. I found this funny song called "My God is Better Than Your God" which amuses me to no end. Unfortunately the band and the music sort of suck, but its the words that count in the long-run. I also found an amusing website with finnish swearwords. Sue me, I'm in high school and have no sense of direction- i find it fun. Just like in 5th grade when I begged my only Chinese speaking friend to teach me how to swear. I constructed a notebook to keep all of the Chinese "bad words" in. Looking back, I suppose its a bit cute. Life has really taken its course hasn't it. I wish that I could go back in time and live as a frolicking and spritely youth without a care in the world. Alas, it doesn't seem that I have found my genie lamp yet.

I found this other site that is genuinely interesting. It's a site full of short stories that you can think about, and smile. I've never been particularly good at short stories, because of all the excess fat I love to put in them (very similar to my lifestyle). I suppose its true- you are what you eat (that didn't really make sense to me either...) But the story called "The Gardener" touched my heart. It just seems like adults are so forlorn and hopefully I won't become like that. You look at the grown-ups in this day and age and all you can do is cross your fingers hoping you won't be a senseless idiot. I still think that I have that subconscious adoration and idolization of adults despite their obvious faults. I can't bring myself to be anymore skeptical about their nature. I am human after all. However a great peeve of mine is when adults who don't have good judgement, telling me what to do. I know that I am right- or at least at the time. Regardless, whenever I write I tend to end up at the same place- the fact that I am a hypocrite. But then everyone ends up here at many points of their lives. How do we just brush by and say se la vie? I wonder if this is my own personal defect.

Techno is my new best friend. I dunno, it seems like it makes me happy. Like a non-drug high. But then again, the definition of drug can be used in many forms. Anyway, I think that since the music is fast it gives my life a good pace. I really want life to go faster because life is so slow. When things go slowly it feels like my existence is corroding into a moldy shell. I know that's a gross image- it was what I was going for. In life there will be pots and pans that bang outside your door while you try to just need to move on. Hopefully when I'm famous then that quote will be epic. Yeah right.

Stupidstupid finals. And this Friday is Hermos bday. I ordered this thing for her but now I don't know how she'll react because I remembered that she's very critical and particular. I guess I'll get her something else tomorrow. Sweetest fucking dreams :)

Truly Disastrous,

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