Saturday, January 2, 2010

Unable to Contextualize, Rationalize, or Materialize :(

What does it mean to be human? What does it mean to be a good person?
Is feeling good about yourself the goal of human existence? Hrmmmm.
I am not reaching my goal right now.

I have no idea whats wrong with me. Perhaps there is a chemical imbalance in my brainage...because I can be so happy and so sad simultaneously, or in tandem. Everyone is out doing fun things with their friends, and although I confess to enjoying those pleasures myself, I feel reluctant to leave the confines of my room.


I am very upset about school starting on Monday. I would rather eat a cooked rat that was raised to be eaten. :/

If there is a God, or some higher puppet master, something must've happened to change his/her attitude towards me. S/he favored me for over a month, and then dumped a social garbage can over my head. I feel that my reliance on friendships, connections and human interaction is impairing my self-satisfaction.

Alright, so I'm an extremely narcissistic, selfish bitch. I've tried to conform, and kindness just isn't my color. Actually, my face, demeanor and other such outer characteristics of my being, appear to others as a sign that I'm passive, kind, and shy. Aiyah. Is that what I am?

I've been going to bed with an idea for a really great story (or so I think at the time), being too lazy to write it down, and falling asleep. Then I dream about it, casting my friends to parts of the story. At least I'm enjoying my ideas in my dreams. Unfortunately I only remember snippets when I wake up :/


I have no reason to be lonely, but I am. Augh, I wish that I had a mushroom growing on my head. That'd be cool.


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