Sunday, December 14, 2008


I wonder what compels me to do things. If I can manipulate it, then perhaps I may be able to prosper in school. Is school a sanctuary or a temporary confinement? Supposing that it is a sanctuary, what does that imply? That school is a place for learning, a place to escape to? Escape from what? Would I appreciate what is inside, if the outside was terrible? So it is a matter of comparison? But let's think for a minute here. Perhaps school is a confinement. Time ticks by monotonously, tediously, and when the merciful bell releases us like wild stallions liberated from an inescapable fence (did i take that metaphor too far?)Anyway, that means that the outside is too inviting...too good...for one to enjoy the inside. So making myself miserable on the outside, may actually help me to get over my outrageous schoolphobia (one day there will be a medical term for that I can assure you.)

Normally, you would assume that I am simply introverted, and I shy away from the social interactions of the school environment, however, I don't think so. Actually, I consider being social a form of salvation from thinking. I hate thinking, it makes me depressed. A teacher once responded to one of my writing assignments that I think about something, I think about it again, and then again and again - note that this was positive feedback from her. I think that she was right, but it really is detrimental to the soundness of my mind. I am finally concluding my self-evaluation. Probably, I think too much because I have some fake OCD shit goin' on in my brain, and I can't stand not being right, so I strive constantly to find the correct answer but then finally when reaching it, I try to find loopholes in my own argumentation - to sum it minds a fuckin' circus that goes around and around and around. This is very very bad.

I wonder if there is medication for this?


1 comment:

Christina. said...

I believe the word "cynicism" is on our next vocabulary list for English... we shall lower our heads in shame if either of us get that one wrong on the test.