Thursday, October 9, 2008

The Day

I think that I have new respect for people I originally thought were stupid.
It's a bittersweet feeling. I am a narcissist and well, I don't know how to describe in a relatively flattering way that it makes me feel jealous. The good thing is that the jealousy doesn't make me hate them or anything, it's just sort of letting go. The whole bond was similar to a hydrogen bond...not making sense there - just wanted to give a visual image.

I think that my day is boring, but at least it wasn't horrible.

In realizing that when I get to know people I tend to drift away, I don't know how to solve the problem. Once upon a time I read a book about this man who only yearned for what he could not have. I wonder if I have inherited that trait from him, for I only wish to attain things that seem far away - once obtaining it/or the person, I fear that letting go is the only option. The reason for this is that I either dislike their personality, get annoyed, but mostly I find another unattainable thing.

This is a horrible way of thinking, and I hope that I can grow out of this.

I have been reflecting lately on how I became this loser shell. I realized that so many things could have been accomplished if I hadn't gotten sick and discovered anime and manga.

There is a story behind this. Middle school was a beautiful sanctuary for this young girl - everyday being wonderful fun adventure. She had many friends whom she could rely on and trust wholeheartedly. She was a relatively capable student, with a suitable balance of extracurriculars - which she loved. She loved singing, but never appreciated it until it was gone. One day, things changed. She became somewhat depressed. She started to miss school - the excuse being a chronic stomach ache that was not entirely non-existent, but also not entirely a sufficient reason to be absent. Slowly, the reason was not only to go on her computer and watch anime, but was also the stress of trying to keep up work from home and facing people when going back to school. There was this pressure of facing the teachers after being absent for so long. Thankfully she miraculously managed to sustain her average grades.

Her social life went downhill. She no longer had so many friends she could trust and rely on - because she was not there for them the whole year. Bonds break from distances. Still to this day, possessing more superficial acquaintances to converse with in class and to wave to in the halls. What the hell has happened? Every tick of the second hand plagues her brain, her urge to be released from school becomes obsession. Tick. TOck. It is no longer an obsession but a longing so great that, the greener grass on the other side - the freedom - becomes too wonderful to imagine. When she is finally liberated from the madhouse, there is nothing but barren desert.

Knowing this. The cycle continues, not in ignorance, but repetition that surfaces from habit as well as a slight hope that something will be different.

Crying yet? xD

-The Leaf

1 comment:

Erica said...

@ur comment:
uhmmm can you explain warrent? you know i dun understand big words... >.> oh... uhmm something that happened in french today...? is it gonna make my heart break(as if its never been be4 >.>) just tell me if its gonna be good or bad... please?


please... don't tell me s. asked you out... after reading the part where you said yearning from something or a person.. and all... but if it's true... i guess i rather hear the truth... better now than later.

welll.. i don't think your life is bad at all.. but i mean, only the person livign thru it really knows, right? i actually really admire you (like a role model? I guess?) I think you're awesome. Yeah.. everything on the cover of that hallmark card. that card was a perfect way to express what I think of you. lol. don't worry, i don't like you the same way i like s. i like you as a very good friend :)

your writings are so... professional :P lol not that its a bad thing.